Ship Canal to Shoreline: 7 properties under $300K

Ship Canal to Shoreline: 7 properties under $300K

bear days

In celebration of fall and rain and a return to the gray skies the Pacific Northwest is known for, here are some pretty polar bear things.

polar bear necklace from justplainsimple (etsy)

print from nativevermont (etsy)

throw pillow by yulia (society6)

my autobiography. snl lip-syncing hoedown snafu not included.

Reading through old writing is sort of terrifying. On one hand I'm worried about being embarrassed by everything I wrote before I turned a certain age and immediately became old and wise, and on the other hand I wonder if my writing career may have actually peaked in my early 20s and now I'll never write anything as poignant and simple, but also complex, because I've become old and jaded.

Anyway.

I found this last night and it still holds up pretty well. I think I wrote it for Amy Phan's Metafiction class in 2008.

How to write my autobiography (vs. 2.7)

by Josie Petersen

Materials needed:

- Pen

- Composition Book

- I-Pod, charged, accompanied by headphones

- Comfortable location (ie. bedroom, back porch, a grassy field)

-Scotch tape

-Extra paper, loose-leaf (or sheets torn from the composition book, but that is frowned upon, as the rough edge creates an asymmetrical aspect to the paper and must be remedied by tearing the remaining three edges to make them all rough).

Step 1: Preparation

This is where: pen and composition book are placed in front of the author, ready for immediate utilization. Headphone buds are inserted into the ears and a musical selection is made as appropriately describes the tone the author wishes to set (for example, if the section/chapter/blip/blurb/segment/piece/work were to lean towards introspection, the music would probably slow down a little (Pedro the Lion, Espers, Her Space Holiday)  as opposed to a section/chapter/blip/blurb/segment/piece/work that evoked anger a more intense emotion (the Damned, the Clash, Jawbreaker).  

Step 2: Procrastination

This is where: there seem to be many other important things to do besides write about oneself. In fact, these things probably aren’t important at all, it probably isn’t necessary to windex the windows right now, and the oven would still function if it weren’t cleaned in the next few minutes. Also, the state of the author’s email inbox probably hasn’t changed since she checked it a few seconds ago, and there is no reason to have organized all the books on the bookshelf in alphabetical order, according to the second letter in the author’s first name. Really. The reason for the procrastination is usually related to the daunting prospect of the project at hand, and one way to relieve this tension is step 3: Mapping.

Step 3: Mapping

This is where the author decides to overcome procrastination by writing down names, phrases, locations, events, flavors, tastes, colors, songs, etc. that inspire specific memories, with tag lines for each one. It looks something like this:

[ imagine scribbles here ]

Pretty soon this tiny map is covered in tiny notes filled with tiny details, and this is where the Scotch tape and extra paper come in handy. Once the first page has been filled, tape other pages to the edge of the first and continue the process. The map will become huge, daunting and exciting. It will take up an entire wall and spark memories that have lain dormant for years. However, the extent of this map and the detail included will have barely touched the surface of everything the author suddenly wants to say, and more questions will arise with every new word that is recorded. Here are some examples of these questions:

“What events should I include, and which ones should I throw out?”

“Which ones are interesting to a general audience, and which ones are only interesting to me?”

“What if nothing is interesting, except to me?”

“Oh shit. What if nobody wants to read this at all?”

“Maybe I should just write something else?”

“Well, maybe I should just take a break and get some lunch, come back to this later?”

When the questions become this difficult, it’s best to move on to step 4: Writing.

Step 4: Writing

This is where: the author picks up her tools, shakes her fist at procrastination, chucks away the map and begins to scribble furiously in the composition book. This step continues for an indefinite period of time until hand cramps prevent the formation of any more words, or some other event puts a constraint on time. At this point, the composition book is left lying open in whatever position it was left in until the author is able to return and begin the process again, starting from step 1.

Swipe Me.

Dear dudes of the internet--or more specifically, dear dudes of Tinder, OK Cupid, and dating sites in general. I get that dating can be scary. Putting yourself out there on the internet can be scary. Swiping right can be scary, especially when the hosting site immediately starts issuing commands like, “send a message before your battery dies” (fuck you Tinder, my shit is PLUGGED IN). However, the sad truth of the matter is most of you are doomed from the start. Your profile paragraphs are misspelled, your witticisms aren’t witty, and your pictures are awful. THIS IS THE AGE OF THE SELFIE. What are you doing? Grab a dictionary. Put your shirt back on. Take better pictures. After much first-hand research I came up with the things that annoy me the most about dating site profiles and it all boils down to the image you're trying to present. Specifically, your pictures. If you’re doing any of the things below you need to fix it, stat. If you need help my rates are reasonable.

1.     The shirtless first picture.

Hey, I’m not saying I don’t want or appreciate a dude who has a nice body because that would be a lie. BUT. A shirtless first picture could mean two things: first, you have no brains AT ALL and need to distract us superficial females from that fact with your shiny muscular abdominals. Your noggin is empty but it’s cool, bro, ‘cause YOU GOT ABS. Yeah…NO. Second: you don’t own a shirt/you lost your shirt/your shirts are all in the laundry/your mom does your laundry and shrunk all your shirts/your ex-girlfriend burned all your shirts…you get the idea. Put that shirt back on and bring a little more class to your dating profile.

2.     The shirtless any picture.

I get that you work out. You listed the gym as one of your hobbies and your “guns” are prominently displayed even in pictures where you’re mostly clothed. If I were looking for a gym buddy maybe I’d hit you up…or I could just go to the gym to find one of those. Don’t get me wrong-if you happened to be participating in an activity where shirtless-ness was required or suggested and a candid picture was taken that highlights some of your physical features while still showing your face, then we can talk. Maybe. The only other way a shirtless photo is acceptable is if you just won a wrestling match with a grizzly bear and your shirt got ripped off in the tussle. That bear had better be in the picture though.

3.     The gurlz group shot.

Cool. You have friends who are girls. Or a bunch of sisters. Or a bunch of female cousins. Or your friend paid your sister’s friends to stand next to you and take a picture so you can look cool on the internet. Worst case scenario, it’s your crazy ex-girlfriend who is going to slash my tires when she finds out we went on a date. Either way, the busty blondes smiling next to you are distracting and now you just look like you’re trying too hard.

4.     The bros group shot.

If your very first picture is like a game of Guess Who then guess what: I'm not interested. There’s always one hot dude, one weird dude, and one other dude in group shots and it’s never the hot guy’s profile. Is this shallow and superficial? Yes. Do I care? No. We haven’t even met yet and not only are you giving me the impression that you're sneaky, but now I’m disappointed you’re not who I thought you were. Jerk. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

5.     The blurry selfie.

Do I really have to spell this out for you? THIS IS THE AGE OF SELF-PROMOTION VIA THE INTERNET DUDE. The word “Selfie” has been added to the dictionary. There is absolutely no excuse for a terrible self-portrait. Download one of the many free camera timer apps. Cheat and get a friend to take it for you. There are so many ways to take a not-terrible selfie. The fact that you haven’t mastered it doesn’t make you a cool, “I’m too busy for the internet” person; it just makes you technologically deficient.

6.     The photo with children that aren’t yours.

You have kids? Oh. Well, that’s…great. Wait, what? Those are your sister’s kids? WELL WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN YOUR PROFILE PICTURE? I’m not against children by any means and whenever I chose to have some they are going to be the most hella boss kids ever, but that doesn’t mean I want to see pictures of other people’s kids. Also, those sensitivity points you think you’re racking up? My ovaries just chewed them up and spit them out.

7.     Pictures of just your puppy. Or just your cat. Or just your iguana. Or just your…

Puppies are adorable, dogs are adorable, and even cats have their cute moments but if I wanted to look at pictures of adorable animals I would not be doing it on a dating site. A photo of you with your animal is a good thing. A photo of just your animal is lame and irrelevant.

8.    The photo of you being a dumbass.

Hey! You’re 32 and you can still do a beer bong with the rest of the college kids! Let's hang out and party like we're in our early 20's! Fuuuuun! Psych.

9.    The photo of you and your fish.

Yeah I'm not talking about you and your pet goldfish. I'm talking about the photo of you proudly holding the bass or salmon or whatever other gill-bearing aquatic dwelling swimmy thing you just hooked and brutally yanked from the safety of its natural habitat. Was that really necessary? I bet that fish doesn't think so. It also isn't necessary to use it as an excuse for yet another shirtless photo. Who exactly were you trying to impress? The digit-less vertebrate you just slaughtered?