Swipe Me.

Dear dudes of the internet--or more specifically, dear dudes of Tinder, OK Cupid, and dating sites in general. I get that dating can be scary. Putting yourself out there on the internet can be scary. Swiping right can be scary, especially when the hosting site immediately starts issuing commands like, “send a message before your battery dies” (fuck you Tinder, my shit is PLUGGED IN). However, the sad truth of the matter is most of you are doomed from the start. Your profile paragraphs are misspelled, your witticisms aren’t witty, and your pictures are awful. THIS IS THE AGE OF THE SELFIE. What are you doing? Grab a dictionary. Put your shirt back on. Take better pictures. After much first-hand research I came up with the things that annoy me the most about dating site profiles and it all boils down to the image you're trying to present. Specifically, your pictures. If you’re doing any of the things below you need to fix it, stat. If you need help my rates are reasonable.

1.     The shirtless first picture.

Hey, I’m not saying I don’t want or appreciate a dude who has a nice body because that would be a lie. BUT. A shirtless first picture could mean two things: first, you have no brains AT ALL and need to distract us superficial females from that fact with your shiny muscular abdominals. Your noggin is empty but it’s cool, bro, ‘cause YOU GOT ABS. Yeah…NO. Second: you don’t own a shirt/you lost your shirt/your shirts are all in the laundry/your mom does your laundry and shrunk all your shirts/your ex-girlfriend burned all your shirts…you get the idea. Put that shirt back on and bring a little more class to your dating profile.

2.     The shirtless any picture.

I get that you work out. You listed the gym as one of your hobbies and your “guns” are prominently displayed even in pictures where you’re mostly clothed. If I were looking for a gym buddy maybe I’d hit you up…or I could just go to the gym to find one of those. Don’t get me wrong-if you happened to be participating in an activity where shirtless-ness was required or suggested and a candid picture was taken that highlights some of your physical features while still showing your face, then we can talk. Maybe. The only other way a shirtless photo is acceptable is if you just won a wrestling match with a grizzly bear and your shirt got ripped off in the tussle. That bear had better be in the picture though.

3.     The gurlz group shot.

Cool. You have friends who are girls. Or a bunch of sisters. Or a bunch of female cousins. Or your friend paid your sister’s friends to stand next to you and take a picture so you can look cool on the internet. Worst case scenario, it’s your crazy ex-girlfriend who is going to slash my tires when she finds out we went on a date. Either way, the busty blondes smiling next to you are distracting and now you just look like you’re trying too hard.

4.     The bros group shot.

If your very first picture is like a game of Guess Who then guess what: I'm not interested. There’s always one hot dude, one weird dude, and one other dude in group shots and it’s never the hot guy’s profile. Is this shallow and superficial? Yes. Do I care? No. We haven’t even met yet and not only are you giving me the impression that you're sneaky, but now I’m disappointed you’re not who I thought you were. Jerk. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

5.     The blurry selfie.

Do I really have to spell this out for you? THIS IS THE AGE OF SELF-PROMOTION VIA THE INTERNET DUDE. The word “Selfie” has been added to the dictionary. There is absolutely no excuse for a terrible self-portrait. Download one of the many free camera timer apps. Cheat and get a friend to take it for you. There are so many ways to take a not-terrible selfie. The fact that you haven’t mastered it doesn’t make you a cool, “I’m too busy for the internet” person; it just makes you technologically deficient.

6.     The photo with children that aren’t yours.

You have kids? Oh. Well, that’s…great. Wait, what? Those are your sister’s kids? WELL WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN YOUR PROFILE PICTURE? I’m not against children by any means and whenever I chose to have some they are going to be the most hella boss kids ever, but that doesn’t mean I want to see pictures of other people’s kids. Also, those sensitivity points you think you’re racking up? My ovaries just chewed them up and spit them out.

7.     Pictures of just your puppy. Or just your cat. Or just your iguana. Or just your…

Puppies are adorable, dogs are adorable, and even cats have their cute moments but if I wanted to look at pictures of adorable animals I would not be doing it on a dating site. A photo of you with your animal is a good thing. A photo of just your animal is lame and irrelevant.

8.    The photo of you being a dumbass.

Hey! You’re 32 and you can still do a beer bong with the rest of the college kids! Let's hang out and party like we're in our early 20's! Fuuuuun! Psych.

9.    The photo of you and your fish.

Yeah I'm not talking about you and your pet goldfish. I'm talking about the photo of you proudly holding the bass or salmon or whatever other gill-bearing aquatic dwelling swimmy thing you just hooked and brutally yanked from the safety of its natural habitat. Was that really necessary? I bet that fish doesn't think so. It also isn't necessary to use it as an excuse for yet another shirtless photo. Who exactly were you trying to impress? The digit-less vertebrate you just slaughtered?